Twenty one thousand feet above the American mid-west (at the time of writing) on my way to SES San Jose and I still feel like I am on vacation. That feeling isn't going to last very long. For anyone who has not had the exhausting pleasure of attending one of the SES Conferences, be assured this is, at best going to be a working vacation, a very hard working vacation. My plane is punching its way to Phoenix where, as my seatmate assures me, a logical airport resembling a big bus terminal awaits me.Though I am flying on an American airline, the number of Canadian influences is astounding. The entertainment system features Just for Laughs Gags, based in Montreal. About half the musical acts listed in the program guide are Canadian, sponsored at great cost by BMI. Nickleback and Michael Bube are heavily featured, which is not really surprising when one considers it was the American audience who adopted Celine Dion, making her the true queen of Katain. (Quebecois word for tackiness)

I think I will make a bet with Gord Hotchkiss and Andrew Goodman about which of us can broker our Canadian citizenry for the greatest number of free drinks. We are each equally well known in the industry though I likely have the advantage in immediate name recognition. There are a number of other Canadian search marketers coming to this shindig as well. Perhaps we'll form a temporary ex-pat's club, playing table hockey with the spare Loonies cluttering up our pockets.

It is always a strange and challenging experience traveling to the big ol' USA. It is especially intense going into the Valley of the Shadow of Search. It's kinda like home but to be honest Toto, it's nothing like Kansas or Kaninaskis. Things move much faster down here, excepting of course, this airplane. There is more traffic, more people, more stress, and, for those who think I am about to get all sanctimonious about being a strange man in a strange land, a hell of a lot more fun.

So, I guess this is as good a time as any to figure out what the heck I am doing here.Tariq Ali, publisher of the ISEDB.com has asked me to cover the event, even though he knows I am often flakier than a British chocolate bar. Perhaps he expects a resurrection of the late great Hunter S. Thompson, at least I hope he does. From my previous experiences at SES Conferences, I figure I can make it two days before sinking deep into the depths of the drunken depravity that comes when a bunch of techies get together.

(Note to publisher… Tariq, brother-man… I've just spent two weeks glorious weeks in Northern Ontario at the family cottage drinking, fishing, golfing and maintaining a general sense of messiness. Glad this one is on your bill brother. Please remind me where to send the receipts and please forgive me that extra twist of lime.)

The best thing about going freelance is the ability to write your own rules. Here are the eleven rules of engagement I will try to work under while down here. Hopefully these rules will provide a clear set of guidelines and will help me find my way through the organized insanity that is SES San Jose.

Rule Number one.Don't get more messed up than your interview subjects, no matter how messed up they might seem.

Rule Number Two. Remember to file the stories on time, even if they aren't up to snuff. The readers prefer having something to read and, more importantly, the advertisers prefer having something to put their ads next to. Somebody has to pick the tab up on this trip and on the Internet, that means ADVERTISERS.

Rule Number Three. Don't burn the advertisers. If you find a good story that might embarrass the company that signs your pay cheques, be very careful to tell the truth in the most diplomatic of ways. Hey, ya'll don't think writers do this for fun. It's more than a compulsion, it is a job.

Rule Number Four. If you do get an interview with Brin, Page, Yang, Filo, Glick, or any other search engine exec

utive, keep in mind they know more about the technical end of the industry than anyone else in the room. Conversely, they all appear absolutely clueless when it comes to how REAL people use the tools they have created. While I will be speaking with geniuses, I need to keep in mind these guys are living increasingly sheltered lives. Isolation comes with the growing territory each occupies.

Rule Number Five. Don't correct any interview subjects. Just report it as you hear it, even if what you hear doesn't make any practical sense. (See Rule Number Four)

Rule Number Six. Don't smuggle a camera into the inner sanctum of the Googleplex, no matter how tempting it might be to do so. The Google-guys don't write my cheques, but they do provide several of the platforms used to publish my material. I am here to develop relationships, not blow them out of the water. I think it is fair to capture pics of the various parties and such but, if treated to an inner tour, I must remember to be on my best behaviour and be a gracious guest.

Rule Number Seven. Don't slander, liable, bend, spindle or mutilate. This is an important lesson to learn when covering conventions. It is too easy to use another person's words against them, especially since anyone who is anyone in this industry will spend much of their off-time getting as pie-eyed as possible, generally on the expense accounts of their employers or, even better, on that of the major search engines. Funny stuff happens when techies get together to down a few drinks. Lips held fast by the confidentiality agreements we all sign are loosened by booze and an enterprising columnist like me can find a lot to write about just hanging out at the bar. Fair play is important, even if one has to take a pass on juicy gossip or the proverbial killer story. Some of those great stories could easily become career killers for others.

Here is a short tale that, thankfully, only those who were around the table at the time will remember. A few months ago, I attended the ˝ day Seattle SES mini-conference. Since we were in Rand Fishkin's backyard, he hosted an after-party at one of the local hipster hideaways. Several of the "big-names" in search marketing were there, as were representatives of the major search engines.I was sitting beside a person who worked for one of the biggest engines. After a few drinks this person made the admission that many of his/her colleagues were totally demoralized. Danny Sullivan and I looked at each other, each sizing up the chances of the other running with the story. Neither of us did and for a good reason. If the story came out, that person's position would be immediately threatened. It would have been a killer story but the one has to weigh the consequences of what is written and the conditions under which information is obtained. Fair is fair

Rule Number Eight. If there is a drink in my hand, the conversation is off the record.

Rule Number Nine. Everyone should know the journalist's agenda before word one is uttered. I wish there was a neon sign above my head reading "Journalist at work mofo!"That would take care of a few misunderstandings. The problem with this side of my profession is that as a journalist, I often feel like a two legged predator. One has to be. I need to get a story and, truth be told, ya'll want to read it. Blood, gore and red ink get readers. As a journalist, you will eat what you kill. That's how the game is played but again, I really want to commit to playing that game fairly.

Rule Number Ten. Remember Jimbot, you are not just a journalist, you are, first and foremost an SEO, a search marketer, a colleague. I was one of the first SEOs to run riot across the major search engines, inventing and innovating technique as it suited me. The folks I will be writing about are my colleagues. They are also my readers, friends and teachers. My tap-dancing shoes are notched to accommodate the high-wire act I will be performing while trying to calmly call it as I see it.

Rule Number Eleven. Have Fun.These junkets only come up a few times a year.This one happened to coincide with my vacation by happy happenstance. I am too relaxed to stress but, 48-hours or so from now, I will need to be ready to move at a few hundred miles an hour in order to keep up with a field that literally moves at the speed of light.It is going to be a fun week.Hope I can find the story without becoming the story.We'll see how it goes.